I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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