in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
