1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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