walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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