Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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