Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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