We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
