Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
