So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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