Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
