First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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