Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize