I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Of course I have a pirate flag
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
