I'm lost and stupid without you.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
