theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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