We're facebook friends in real life
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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