he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize