I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
