it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
