I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
