There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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