Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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