i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
