we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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