I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
