The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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