my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
