can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize