he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Watching her eat just hurts me
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
