so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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