just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize