Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
