Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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