Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
