I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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