I was born with a shot glass in my hand
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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