I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
