3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
