you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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