If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize