omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
