You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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