don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
