I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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