I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
