Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The air was thick with penises
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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