He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize