the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
