Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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