remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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