Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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