I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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