There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
