I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
