Need sex. Gaining weight.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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