i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
