its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
