Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I enjoy the company of your penis
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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