im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
