My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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