Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She told me I should be a condom model.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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