soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
