i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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