I faked an abortion last night.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
