dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I need water and some morals
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
